Thursday, April 28, 2005

VHS stands for "Very Happy Surprise"!

I still have to contact my student loan people. My mom is getting upset. I was supposed to do it a few days ago, but I refused to do it on Monday, because it was my birthday and you shouldn't have to talk to people who want your money on your birthday. They should be giving me money on my birthday, not the other way around. Birthdays are for receiving money, not for giving it to people you don't know who aren't helpful about things like not making me pay back my loan. Tomorrow I have to suck it up and call them. I tried to do it online, but I couldn't figure out the website. It's that kind of incompetence that disables me from getting jobs that provide money for giving away to loan people. I wish I'd gotten the loan for the purpose of buying a hovercraft, or one of those segue scooter things, instead of dumb college. I'd be excited and more than happy to reimburse a loan for a hovercraft. A hovercraft you can use.

I'm 29 now, due to that birthday. It's all right, I guess. Turning 29 is not making me feel old, but rather more pissed that I haven't girded myself for living enough. I cannot do much of anything, other than complaining in a moderately entertaining fashion about being incompetent, and David Sedaris already has a pretty good line on that area, so I can't even really think about getting a job doing THAT. So in a weird, non-interesting twist of events, I found myself wishing I felt older on my 29th birthday. I don't know if that's better or worse. Slightly better, I think, actually.

I sold my first thing on ebay today. A Fight Club DVD. It's a good movie but I haven't watched it once since I purchased it like 4 years ago. I never use anything I buy, but I buy things all the time. I only like the picking-things-out portion of the shopping experience. Later everything I picked out is awful and sucks.

My old friends from the video store I used to work at (Videoport in Portland, ME) sent me four VHS movies for my birthday.

They were the following:

"Soul Vengeance" - Directed by Jamaa Fanaka, the man behind the Penitentiary series (some of the best filmmaking you'll ever experience, the rare series of films that actually improves with each passing sequel) and starring Marlo Monte as "Charlie", a guy who gets revenge on the bigot cops who falsely arrested him by choking them with his giant growing penis. For some reason it wasn't renting anymore so they sent it to me. I'm truly blessed.

"Condorman" - A Disney movie about a guy in a bird suit doing weird stuff. The guy in the bird suit is Michael Crawford, who ended up being the main Phantom of the Opera guy. If you want to see the Phantom of the Opera guy running around in a bird suit, I have a feeling you'll enjoy "Condorman". But you can't watch it, because I now own the only copy remaining on Earth. Suck it hard, America!

"The Sinful Dwarf" - Not that videotapes are worth shit anymore (how long, do you think, before their value goes up? a couple years ago "The Garbage Pail Kids" movie on VHS was going for 30-40 bucks on ebay. now it's lucky if it goes for six, even though it's available in no other format that I know of. or maybe people are finally realizing how HORRIBLE it is, and was completely worth forgetting about. it's so hard when good memories go bad, and movies you grew up with turn into raging shitheaps with the passing of time. happens to songs, too. i'm no longer proud to admit it but there was a time when toad the wet sprocket was something that i enjoyed listening to. now it makes me kinda cringy. not unlike the phrase "kinda cringy" itself), but I bet not too many people own a copy of "The Sinful Dwarf", in any format. I actually don't really want to own "The Sinful Dwarf". I'm kind of sad to own it. I would rather my friends had not given it to me. Now I have to have it in my house all the time. I wonder how long it'll take me to realize that I don't really want it and am not going to miss it or feel guilty at all if I give it to the Salvation Army, along with all the CDs I've bought in the past two months. Anyway, "The Sinful Dwarf" was released in 1972, and it's kind of a porn. The really, really non-titillating kind of a porn. A gross midget lives with his gross mother and together they tie up and strip young women and keep them in their home for funsies. The dwarf is constantly forcing himself on the bound young women, and it's not especially pleasant or even diverting. If you can't make an interesting scene out of a dwarf raping kidnapped co-eds, then you need to put that steadicam down, my friend. You need to put that steadicam DOWN. But, yeah, now I own this. Maybe I'll watch it tonight then put it in my neighbor's recycling. That ought to make someone's day a little more interesting. If you were a garbageman and you saw a copy of "The Sinful Dwarf" in someone's garbage, you'd totally fucking take it, and don't try to tell me any different.

"Fag Hag" - I have never seen the movie "Fag Hag", but it stars Wil Wheaton and mysteriously has a picture of my girlfriend Scotch-taped on the cover. This is the first time I have ever noticed that Wil Wheaton has only one L in his name. That makes him even MORE irritating. Actually, I don't have too much against Wil Wheaton. I read a very favorable review of "RC Pro Am" written by him, which won him some points in my book, as did "Toy Soldiers", even though he sucked in it. The worst performance in the world couldn't hope to sully a movie as solid as "Toy Soldiers". Now I want you to sit there for awhile and think hard about how entertaining the movie "Toy Soldiers" is, and then compare it to anything you've ever created, reflecting on your inferiority. Its director, Daniel Petrie Jr, is Hollywood's greatest living director.

Here is a quiz:

Which of these screenplays was written by Daniel Petrie Jr?

A) Beverly Hills Cop
B) Beverly Hills Cop 2
C) Turner and Hooch

ANSWER: All of them! All that and he directed "Toy Soldiers". Give up if you think you're ever gonna do better than that, cause you're not!

Those are the four movies I got for my birthday from my good friends at Videoport, James and Jackie-O and whoever else helped them pick them out. I'm worried about having to carry "The Sinful Dwarf" around with me on my travails, but the acquistition of "Soul Vengeance" more than makes up for it. Give a little, take a little. That's how we get by in this life.

On another note, for my money, Katie Holmes does not make for a very convincing beard. Even gay dudes want to have sex with Katie Holmes. Not buyin' it, Maverick. Doesn't count.

3 Comments:

Blogger Bill said...

It probably won't surprise you to learn that I'm actually kind of jealous that you now own Condorman. Crap 70s Disney movies rule, especially the Witch Mountain movies and The Watcher in the Woods. And, of course, America's most lovable pervert Bob Crane in Superdad.

8:42 AM  
Blogger Jeremy Stover said...

I would love to see "Superdad". I would like to watch all of the Bob Crane movies. He seemed fun. What could be better than having Willem Dafoe film your sexual exploits?

10:11 PM  
Blogger Admin said...

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7:27 PM  

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