Sunday, April 24, 2005

I dislike days.

I got up around 11:45 AM. My girlfriend Annie was watching an A&E Biography about the late Phil Hartman. It was mostly footage of people talking about how sad they were that Phil got shot by his evidently cocaine-enjoying wife. Nothing too enlightening but my eyes and brain seemed to want to watch it, so I did. Then my mom called to tell me that she'd called the people behind my not-being-paid-by-me-at-all student loan, and urged me to do the same once they open on Monday, which happens to be my birthday. I don't know if I can bring myself to talk to these people on my birthday. I just don't see how that thing will ever get paid off. I just figured I'd end up in debtor's prison, but it turns out that debtor's prison doesn't even exist. I'd way rather go to jail than get some job I hate. But now there's not even the prison option. I have to figure out a way to pay these stupid things. Then I talked to my dad about the fact that the wreath factory he works at has been sold to some lady. My dad has worked on-and-off with wreaths for the past three years or so. When he comes home, the cats become very interested in his pantlegs, and smell them with vigor. After smelling them, they give the "Flehmen Response", which is the scientific name for that face cats make when they smell something that confuses them. Kind of pissed-off with their mouth slightly open. That's the "Flehmen Response". I guess pine scents blow cats' minds.

The phone call with my parents wore me right out. It made me think about all the money I owed to almost everyone, despite me having nothing and benefitting not at all from any service I have ever received, barring the two free weeks of Netflix I just finished enjoying. I got to watch the entire third season of "The Shield" (I almost wrote "shelf" again! That's too much!), and some other crap. That movie "Closer" was one of things I watched during my free trial. The whole thing is people yelling about how shit sucks. Clive Owen is pretty damn sexy though, walking around calling people cunts and cheating on Julia Roberts, who would be pretty easy to cheat on given that she's less attractive than almost everyone I've ever encountered. It's like someone tried to stretch human skin over a horse's face for some unknown reason, and then cast that horse in "Pretty Woman". I can't imagine any heterosexual male not wanting to penetrate Natalie Portman with something or other, but her more mature roles of late are increasingly less impressive than her work in "The Professional", her only non-annoying performance to date, and if Jude Law were any less interesting, he'd be a CGI effect. Anyway, all the talk of money and how much of it I'd be giving to people I'd never meet was extremely taxing, so I spent a lot of time lying on the floor today, arising to use the toilet and make Bagel Bites, which were slightly burnt. Envelope Man did not show up today, either. What a lying, no-good, worthless pile of disease-riddled shit who I hope dies soon. But not before giving me twenty dollars. I'm running out of Honey Bunches of Oats.

My girlfriend wanted to watch "Pollyanna" together while we lied on the floor, which we have to do since we have no furniture, except for a Canadian rocker lent to us by our awkward landlord, but I couldn't pay attention. I wish I hadn't amassed so much debt before even developing any kind of remote clue as to what I want to do with myself. Now I just sit around worrying about money. I became my dad around the age of 25, and my dad didn't even become my dad until he was well into his thirties. I don't think anybody's reading this thing, but if you are, DON'T MAJOR IN ENGLISH. You won't get a job. Major in computers. That's the only area worth exploring, if you're interested in success or possibly feeding children. Otherwise you're just wasting your time. It's pretty mean that colleges even offer other possible majors, when you think about it. College might as well have been a giant hole in the ground that I threw a bunch of money into, or actually a hole that I threw absolutely nothing into, and then the hole keeps calling me on the phone, asking for money. Luckily the student loan people don't currently know where I'm located, but I have a feeling my mother filled them in.

There's a show on MTV2 you should be watching called "Wonder Showzen". I have to eat two donuts and lie down on the floor again.

3 Comments:

Blogger Psychbloke said...

The Flehman response!
So much in my life makes sense now.......

3:05 PM  
Blogger Jeremy Stover said...

Yep, the Flehmen response. Flehmen. Response. I think about it all the time. I always thought the cats were just making that face because they were unhappy with what they were smelling, but it turns out they're somehow absorbing the scent through their mouth to figure it out. I guess. I don't really know the science behind it. I'm just happy it's called The Flehmen Response.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Jeremy Stover said...

Yep, the Flehmen response. Flehmen. Response. I think about it all the time. I always thought the cats were just making that face because they were unhappy with what they were smelling, but it turns out they're somehow absorbing the scent through their mouth to figure it out. I guess. I don't really know the science behind it. I'm just happy it's called The Flehmen Response.

7:40 PM  

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